plz talk dirty to me
"it" just moved
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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