do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
