I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
