Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My pussy is not your playground.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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