I like to think it a success when the cops are called
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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