: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
