I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We have so much sex to catch up on
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
