so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
