I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
