i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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