yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
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He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
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My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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