i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
