Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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