Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
