if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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