Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
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can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
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Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY