I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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