I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
