She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
