All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
