If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
