how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Randomize
