His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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