Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
