Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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