when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
