i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
