I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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