Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
