if only i could text you this smell
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
