Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
