I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
