i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
