New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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