I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
