I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
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He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
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I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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