So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
