Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
