i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
