I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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