Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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