So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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