oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
