peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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