mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
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I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
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It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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