We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
