My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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