I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
