What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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