just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
