Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
tonight lets celebrate not being married
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
