I cannot find my penis.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
