You don't have asthma, your pregnant
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
