im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
should my penis look like a turkey
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
