My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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