My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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