the condom got lost in my hair
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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