I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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