he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
