When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
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the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
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I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
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Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.