the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
